I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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