and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
