i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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