i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
