I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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