Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
