forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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