Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
