Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
