need another drink. this is the easiest way
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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