i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
