We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
