That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
