Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
