After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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