you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
3 2 1 whiskey
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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