Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Your face is a jimmy john
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
