god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
