well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
