I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
