$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
