I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
