I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
