Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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