God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
