Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
