I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
