Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
