yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
