so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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