i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
