you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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