I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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