Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
