Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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