The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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