Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
