two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
