we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
