The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
my liver is dry heaving
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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