Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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