My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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