I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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