I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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