tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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