Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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