how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
