i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Randomize
