i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
