i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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