She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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