question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
